Where Do I Begin?

I began writing this months ago, but it’s still relevant…  I’m dropping this post now because I want to get it out.  I want people to read it.  It’s important.  Today is July 7th, 2020, and this is what I have to say about the last few months:

So this has been an interesting week.  We have had fights, protests, and now, I am sitting in line to be tested for Covid-19.  It’s 1152  I have been here since 0815.  The line is not moving very quickly…  I figured I would make good use of the situation and write this up.  I’ve actually been working on this for about 3 days, just trying to get it right.  Use the right words.  Send the right message.  After all this time thinking and worrying about it, I've come to the conclusion that I just need to say what I think and feel.  Because after all the talks and conversations I have had with people, it all boils down to one thing: Humanity.  This morning I woke up to a bunch of black screens on my Instagram and Facebook.  And a new trending hashtag.  #blackouttuesday.  

I scrolled and saw more.  And then an add or 3 (Capitalism never sleeps), and then more black screens.  I didn’t know what to think.  I was astonished, actually.  I was astonished to see just how many posts there were that were simple black screens.  Most with no caption other than the hashtag.  The hashtag, by the way, had 4.6 MILLION uses at 0800 this morning.  No ranting, no raving, no “Choose what side you are on.”  Just a solitary black screen.  Most of them did not have the #blacklivesmatter hashtag either, which up until recently, I thought was a bit divisive.  

Now, before you judge me on that last sentence, let me explain.  I grew up in central Indiana.  The midwest.  The land of saying “Ope” when you drop something, or when you almost run into someone, or literally anywhere else.  (When you almost run into someone, you are obligated to say “Let me just squeeze right past ya, there…”)  In the midwest, we take care of one another, we love our neighbors, and we respect our elders.  I was brought up in a household that held the King James in one hand and the Declaration of Independence in the other.  In both of those documents it says that “All men are created EQUAL.”  And to love everyone.  So I did.  I grew up knowing that there was no difference in people, other than how they looked.  Sure they might have darker skin or hair or whatever, but if we fell and scraped our knees on the playground, they bled the same color I did.  Red.  They might like salt and cheese on their grits and I might like sugar and syrup on mine, but they were still equal to me.  And I to them.  It was hammered into me as early as I can remember.  And I can remember a lot.  I remember the day of the Oklahoma City Bombing.  I remember the Rodney King incident of 1992.  Both held HUGE significance in our nation's history, and are forever burned in my memory.  

I can remember wondering how someone could be so cruel and treat others so badly.  How could someone want to take the lives of others or hate others simply because they were different.  Mind you, these questions, and many more, were applicable to both events.  My young mind could not understand how hatred for another human being could swallow a man’s heart so deep that he could commit acts of hate.  I was taught to love your neighbor as yourself.  That didn’t just mean the nice old lady that lives next door.  That meant the people of your community, the people of your state, or country, or planet.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  The Golden Rule, right?  

I can remember one time a friend of mine got glasses in the 1st grade.  His name is Bill.  I remember the first day he came in with glasses on and I said “Hey Bill, you look like the blue Power Ranger,” who, ironically, shared the same name, Billy.  That was all I said, and I moved on.  So I'm sitting there minding my own business, probably coloring a picture of Godzilla fighting a giant beaver or something, and all of a sudden my teacher, Mrs. Royal, pulls me aside and asks me to come out into the hallway with her.  So I go outside the classroom to see Bill in tears.  I had upset him because he was already self-conscious about his new glasses, and let's face it, Billy was the nerdiest Power Ranger…  Mrs. Royal told me that I had hurt Bill’s feelings and I should apologize.  

I was so embarrassed and mad at myself because I didn’t mean to upset him, I was simply making a relatable comment that a first grader would say, but, in Bill’s mind, I had hurt his feelings.  So I did what was asked, I apologized and then complimented his new glasses and we were friends again.  I had no idea that I had hurt his feelings, but I did.  I didn’t mean to.  I wasn’t trying to.  But I did, and I felt SO guilty afterward.  Because I was raised to treat others as I wanted to be treated.  No one wants to be treated badly, or to be compared to the Blue Power Ranger either…  

I am trying to gather some perspective here with the idea that, simply because you don’t mean to upset someone, doesn’t mean that you won’t.  BUT, that also does not mean that you subconsciously hate someone or that you can't be friends anymore or get along.  The same thing goes with disagreements.  Just because I disagree with you does not mean I don’t like you or hate you.  An opinion is an opinion.  It’s what I think or what you think.  Now, when it comes to FACTS, we have a different story because facts are facts.  And facts are reality, right?  Or are they?

As a department, we went through diversity training about 2 years ago.  I cannot think of a single one of us that wanted to go.  We all complained, saying we didn’t need it.  We have a fairly diverse department and work in a fairly diverse community, so we all kind of “understand” one another.  I decided I was going to go into this training with an open mind, as I try to do each and every day with ANYTHING.  An open mind leads to an open heart which leads to open hands.  You are more willing to help others if you can EMPATHIZE with them.  You cannot help others if your hands are closed.  In that training they talked about perception and reality, and how some folks can confuse the two.  They also talked about how YOUR perception is YOUR reality, and how someone else’s perception might not be your reality, and vice versa.  It starts to make a bit more sense the more you think about it.  For example, most of the folks I talk to on a day to day basis (before the Covid quarantine) were shocked when I told them about just how busy we really can be.  People don’t want to know about the drugs, the gangs, or the domestic violence in their communities, so they don’t see it.  It’s not reported on as much, so they don’t look at it.  If they aren’t looking at it, then it must not be happening in their community because they didn’t hear about it, when in reality, there is actually quite a lot of drugs, gangs, and violence.  Their perception of the community is that “that kinda stuff doesn’t happen here.”  It’s a nice thought to have, but those of us who work the streets know all the dirty little secrets of our communities, and that is OUR perception and OUR reality.  We just have to be sure that our perception of the communities we protect and serve is not poisoned by a statistic such as a Crime Rate.

So, this leads me to my next point, and I suppose the driving point behind this entire post:

JUST BECAUSE YOU DO NOT SEE RACISM OCCURRING AND YOU ARE NOT A RACIST YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS NOT OCCURRING.

YOUR perception is that it is not occurring because you do not condone it and it does not happen in your area.  Me as a kid growing up in central Indiana, did not experience much racial prejudices, or be witness to any.  But, that does not mean that it was not there.  It might have been where I grew up, locally, but I never saw it. We had kids of all different colors in my schools, not that many, but we did.  We were a mostly white school system, but we had several students of color.  No one cared.  At least, no one I associated with.  We ate with them, we played with them, we learned with them, and it didn’t even cross our minds that we were any different.  Because we weren’t.  It didn’t matter to us because the core group I hung with was brought up with the Golden Rule.  I still stand firm with that rule today.  I treat others as I wish to be treated.  With respect, dignity, and most importantly, humanity.

Fast forward to today: I see fires, protests, riots, looting, shooting, and death.  I see people hurting.  I see people upset and fighting.  #blacklivematter #alllivesmatter #unity #ftp #acab.

The list goes on and on.  I see a country in flames, but I also see some hope.  Peppered in between the videos of riots and police are pictures and videos of people hugging and crying.  Cops and citizens coming together and marching as ONE, in unity.  Chiefs and Sheriff’s condemning the actions of a coward and the inaction of three others, all while marching with folks of different colors, creeds, sexual orientation, and political ideology.  Because when it boils down to it, our most important moments, the ones that separate the good from the evil, is when we stand together as one race; The Human race.  

There is nothing wrong with being proud of where you come from.  There is nothing wrong with being proud of your heritage.  There is nothing wrong with being proud of the color of your skin.  Be proud.  Stand firm in your beliefs and morals.  Though we may differ in how we look, the thing we do not differ in is what is on the inside.  We are the same.  We all bleed the same.  We all have the same bones and organs.  We are all humans.  Speaking of bones, I wanted to talk about this post I found in a comment section the other day on Facebook that literally made my jaw drop.  It read:

“So all bones in the skeletal system are important, right?  But when I show up to the ER with my arm broken and my bone sticking out through the broken skin, I don’t expect my doctor to talk about how important my spinal column is, or how strong my femur is.  I need my doctor to attend to the one bone sticking out of my arm.  All bones matter, but at that specific moment I need the doctor to focus on the one that’s broken.”

That literally made me drop my jaw.  I really used to be a fan of the All Lives Matter movement because I felt that it was more inclusive than singling out one specific color.  And then I saw that turmoil that created.  The arguments, the hissing, the fighting, and then dividing of the country.  

Well, that doesn’t make much sense.  How can a phrase talking about Lives Mattering DIVIDE people?  Do we not ALL have lives?  Do we not ALL matter to someone?  But then I slowly realized that it wasn’t about that.  The Black Lives Matter movement isn't about putting one race above the others, but it is about bringing attention to the broken bone.  Sure, there are some really violent, hateful people out there that scream that phrase.  And there are videos of people screaming that phrase while also telling white people to “give blacks money” and to “kill themselves.”  Just Google it…  But I do not believe that those are the majority of people involved in that movement.  The majority of the people involved in that movement are trying to bring attention to racism, either by the police, other people, certain groups, or whatever.  They are trying to bring attention to it.  Now, i will say though that the ORGANIZATION Black Lives Matter is not what it seems to be, from my perspective. It seems, from their own website, they are all about donating money to the Democratic party and defunding the police. THAT I do have a problem with. I am ALL ABOUT helping people, but not organizations like that...

So then I look at what’s going on in the country, hell, around the world right now and I think to myself “Do we not all (the majority) think that racism is bad?”  

(I realize that there are REAL RACIST groups out there that truly do hate people for the color of their skin or what have you, but I know that they are such a small fraction of people, they cannot be lumped into the ALL of us because, lets face it, they clearly do not want to be a part of this Unified Humanity.)

So I’ll go back to the previous question:

Don’t we all think racism is bad?

Yes?  Good.  So, let's stop fighting and talk.  Let’s listen.  Let’s learn.  But not just from one side, from BOTH sides.  I hate that I am saying SIDES, because we are ALL Americans and  we are trying to fight for the same cause.  The only problem is, both sides are deaf and cannot hear what the other side is trying to say because we are too busy shouting.  It’s a vicious cycle.  A cycle that must break.  I have a pretty good idea of how we can begin to break that cycle, though.  Stop talking and listen.  It is really that simple.  But don’t just wait for your turn to speak, I mean REALLY listen and HEAR what is being said.

We have been so divided by what we see on social media and TV that we can’t even see straight.  We are blinded by the fires that burn in the city streets and the news articles talking about how many officers have been killed.  We are also blinded by videos of police brutality and prejudice.  We dive into each and every detail so we can point fingers at who is to blame when, in reality, aren’t we ALL to blame?  We are almost treating things as if it’s an eye for an eye.  Well you did this, so I’m gonna do this!  Childish.  Shouldn’t we ALL be disgusted at a video of  someone being killed?  Should it matter if they are black, white, or asian?  Shouldn’t we care more that another life has been extinguished?  And I am talking about ALL videos.  Police officer involved shootings, gang violence, drug cartels, military videos.  I am talking about it all.  Should we not pray for each and every mother who has lost a child due to violence of any kind?  

I hate violence.  I have never really been a violent person.  If you look at my use of force record, you won't find very many times when I have actually had to use force.  And it isn’t because I can’t, I just prefer not to.  I have taken numerous classes on firearms, edged weapons, improvised weapons, protection details, and the tactical treatment of gunshot wounds.  I am well read in the art of violence, but I always prefer my most powerful weapon: my mind.  I’ve been told before that I talk too much to people who “Ain’t goin back to jail…”. The way I see it is if I can talk you into the handcuffs instead of forcing them on you, why wouldn’t I choose the former?  Less paperwork, less chance of anyone being hurt, and we all leave there alive. That’s the goal, preservation of life. 

I worked at a Sheriff’s Department that covered an area that was approximately 425 square miles. Lots of people in between those miles. And our shift minimum was 2. 2 of us for the whole county. So, I had to learn to talk and I had to learn to fight because my backup could be 5 minutes away or 25.  So, I got VERY good at talking to people. It's called verbal judo, and it takes practice. But sometimes the only language they speak is violence. That’s one of the other reasons that I stay in shape: the intimidation factor. 

I might not be the biggest guy with the bulkiest muscles, but I like to think I’m in pretty good shape. My uniform fits and I look put together. If you look like you mean business than those who might want to do you harm just might second guess that thought. And if that’s the reason they choose to not resist and comply, awesome. Another successful day. The point here is that I am prepared physically through my training to bring everyone out of every situation alive. Whether I talk the whole time, or there is a bit of a scuffle, we all come out alive. EVERYONE. 

I’ve always been told that “You never rise to the occasion, you simply default to your training.”  If your training sucks, then your response to a situation is going to suck. We train 5 hours a month at my department, which is actually quite a lot. I don’t work for a department as large as the likes of the NYPD or Minneapolis, but I’m sure their training cannot be that spectacular. Or that often. 35,000 officers work for the NYPD, I highly doubt they train more than 12 hours a YEAR, and that’s probably just a firearms qualification. (Just an assumption, have not done any research…)

But, it’s hard to have lots of high quality training and lots of hours doing it when the funding for police departments continues to get cut. But, we need to defund the police, right?

Fast forward to June 14th… I have literally been writing this blog post for WEEKS now.  Just adding to it, taking away from it, making sure I am sending the message I want to send.  It might not be the “Right” message in your eyes, but this is the message I wanted to send.  I despise racism and racists.  I cannot believe that someone would be so arrogant and narcissistic to think that they are better than someone else simply because they are of a different skin tone.  It’s disgusting, and I will ALWAYS stand up and speak out against racism, as would any good cop.  I believe that to my very bones.  

We are ALL going through a very rough time right now.  It sucks and it seems like America is going down hard and fast.  Hell, the “Anti-Facist” fascists have taken over 6 city blocks in Seattle and are claiming it a new country.  We are falling apart.  But we will dig in and pick ourselves back up.  America has always been a phoenix, rising from the ashes, over and over again.  The ashes of tyranny, the ashes of slavery, the ashes of failures in civil rights, the list goes on and on.  I recognize that America has not always been the best country.  Over the 200+ years that America has been in existence, she has made some enormous mistakes.  But she has also made some enormous strides to fix those mistakes.  For a country as young as ours, we have done pretty damn well for ourselves.  

There are clearly some things that need fixing, like the whole Red Lining and Jim Crow laws that were created by Democrat politicians…  I recognize that, but I am not responsible for those things.  I was not a part of anything related to slavery or Jim Crow or anything.  I have never been RIGHTFULLY accused of being a racist.  (I get called a racist all the time simply because I am a police officer…)  I grew up on King James and Uncle Sam.  I treat everyone equally and as I would have them treat me.  As a matter of fact, just earlier today I was accused of being racist because I approached an Hispanic male that was described by a witness as the accused in a situation.  He pulled the “Race Card” and was immediately argumentative about the situation.  I remained calm, as per usual, and explained what was going on.  At first, he was swearing and being very stand-off-ish towards me, and I honestly thought it was going to go south…  But then I talked to him more, explained the situation again in detail, and he ended up shaking my hand at the end.  I took my sunglasses off and spoke to him like a human, which made him change his tone.  

He realized that HE was being the aggressive one and that I was not about to take the “YouTube Bait” and start yelling and cussing right back.  I respect this profession too much to do that.  I also respect other people, even if they show me none.  In this line of work, you have to show respect to get it sometimes, it's just the way it works.  Not everyone loves us and respects us for what we do.  It is a thankless job, and if you are doing it for the “Thanks and the Free Coffee” then you need to get out, now.  Also, if you are doing it for the “Clout and the Power” GET OUT.  We are here to serve the good people of the communities we police.  Protect and Serve, right?  I realize that phrase might not mean much to some folks due to their own experiences with police, but I know that the guys and gals I work with uphold that phrase.  And we make sure that we do.  We police one another.  We watch one another’s backs, not just from attacks either, but also from doing something wrong, either on purpose or on accident.  I am very proud of the folks that I serve with.  I trust them and they trust me.  We make sure that the job is done with integrity.  We will stay late and help with paperwork or take more calls or whatever, just to insure that everyone goes home.  EVERYONE.  There have been some nights when I have cursed the job simply because I had to miss a workout or had to work overtime for 6 hours for paperwork. 

It happens in policing.  Going home on time is never a guarantee, and frankly, going home at ALL isn’t either.  Those of us who work the streets know this all too well.  But I’m not going to sit here and talk about the dangers in policing because honestly, who needs to hear about that again?  Who needs to be told how dangerous the job is right now?  Just turn on the news.  Open that Facebook or Instagram app and watch.  Watch my brothers and sisters in blue protect, serve, and defend peaceful, law-abiding protestors against domestic terrorists.  Watch them get hit with rocks, bricks, and homemade incendiary devices (Molotov Cocktails.)  Watch them get dragged through the streets of Chicago by an angry mob.  Watch them get stabbed in the neck in Florida or New York.  Watch them get shot and killed in Los Angeles.  Watch them bleed, and stumble, and continue fighting, because there is law and order to be held, and there are good people to protect.  They respond to a “disturbance” call at a home depot and are murdered in cold blood.  They make sure that the last thing they say over the radio is “Tell my family I love them.”  Anthony Dia, an immigrant American who LOVED this country and the people he worked for, died for you.  It happens daily.  They do it for the brothers and sisters beside them, on the front lines.  They do it for me.  They do it for you.  They do it for those who would wish them harm.  WE do it for everyone.  

Then, if you can stomach it, go and watch George Floyd get tortured and murdered on that same app.  Go and watch as a cowardly, former police officer from the city of Minneapolis kneels on his neck, most-likely restricting his airway, for nearly 9 minutes.  All while he is in handcuffs and is under control.  And watch the other three (3) “officers” present do NOTHING to stop this from happening.  In fact, two (2) officers assisted in HOLDING HIM DOWN with the weight of their bodies.  Listen to him beg for air and for help.  Hear him cry for his mother.  A 46 year old man, handcuffed on the street, being pinned against a vehicle with 3 average sized males putting the weight of their bodies on him, crying out for his mother.  Unacceptable and disgusting.

We ALL were reeling from the incident that happened that day.  We all still are.  It has taken us SO long to get back to a semi-positive light with the public and the communities we serve.  And now we all have to take 5 steps back, again, thanks to the unspeakable acts in Minneapolis. We have another LONG road ahead, and it aint gonna be easy.  In the time that I began writing this post to now, SO much has changed and developed.  It’s hard to keep track of it all. Hell, I deleted my Facebook app because it was causing me SO MUCH anxiety just seeing what my brothers and sisters were dealing with all across the nation.  We are hurting.  And when I say we I mean WE, collectively, are hurting.  Not just cops.  Not just black folks.  Not just white folks.  Not just Democrats.  Not just Republicans.  All.  Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

So, how do we fix an issue that to some, doesn't even seem to exist?  Like I said, growing up, I had never really even SEEN racism before, other than in the history books.  I don't believe it was because I lived a sheltered life.  I believe that it was just the area I was raised.  And that might not be true for you, and it might be true for someone else.  My perception is my reality.  I did not experience racism or hardly even see it, but that does not mean that it wasn’t out there. I believe most people are good, I truly do.  I have since I was a kid.  But I also knew that there were evil people out there.  

The terrorist who was behind the Oklahoma City Bombing, Timothy McVeigh, was an anti-government, white supremacist who wanted to start a race war.  He was upset over the actions of the ATF and FBI during the Ruby Ridge Incident and the Siege at Waco with the Davidians (look them up…)  so he decided to take actions into his own hands to try and “get even.”  He killed 168 people while trying to “Make a point.”  19 of those were children.  Injured over 600 people.  He dropped the truck bomb off and then got into his get away car and just drove off.  The explosion happened and approximately 90 minutes later he was driving down the highway when he was pulled over by a highway patrolman.  No license plate on the car.  The patrolman notices that McVeigh is carrying a firearm and arrests him for illegal possession of a handgun, unbeknownst to him, McVeigh was leaving the scene of his terrorist act.  They later figured out who he was and then he was tried, convicted, and sentenced to death.  He was put to death on June 11th, 2001 in Terre Haute, Indiana.

Why am I going into all this detail about the Oklahoma City Bombing?  Because I use this as an example to people when they are upset about being pulled over for “something silly” like a tail light out or expired license plate.  As a police officer, you literally NEVER KNOW who you are going to get when you walk up to that car.  We are trained and prepared for basically anything, so we default to our training.  Some guys walk up with their hand on their gun, some guys don’t.  It’s not because of who YOU are or the color of your skin, it’s because we literally have NO IDEA who it is behind the wheel of that car.  It could be Miss Daisy, or it could be Timothy McVeigh.  It could be someone who is willing to try and take my life simply because I wear a badge for a living.  It is always a gamble.  But we will keep doing it.  To keep our communities safe.

I love this job.  I love interacting with people.  I love helping.  I love serving.  Throughout this rambling post I have covered a number of topics.  Policing, growing up in Indiana, racism, the Oklahoma City Bombing, and others.  It’s been a bit jumpy, and it’s a bit long.  Like I said before, I wanted to say what I wanted to say about this.  I condemn anything about racism and the likes of the people who are racist.  I refuse to believe that I am guilty for something that the government was allowing to happen over 200 years ago.  I believe that all men (and women) are created equal, and should be treated as such.  No matter your skin color, sexual preference, religion, or whatever.

I swore an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.  That is for ALL Americans.  Not just a certain color or race.  All Americans.  

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever written in my life, and I took some CRAZY hard Criminal Justice classes in college…  

Some folks will read this and just see it as a cop “saving face.”  Well, if you do, so be it.  Unfortunately, you are of the mindset that we are a part of a “larger, systematically racist system.”  I’m sorry that you feel that way.  I am writing this for those who don’t really know what to say, but want to say something.  You never realize just how BIG the United States of America is until you start seeing things happening all around the country, and they aren't happening in your neck of the woods.  But, as I have said many times, just because it isn’t happening to you, does not mean it isn’t happening.  I have read some HORROR stories about some of the most racist/ evil people on the planet, cops and civilians alike.  After each one I would Google the names involved, especially if it was police related, and find the stories.  I would learn just how true some of them were, and just how false they could be too (yes, people lie.)  We live in such a “SHARE IT NOW YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT OR ELSE” society.  It’s all become such an ‘Us vs Them” fight, when it really should be ALL of US vs Evil.  

Yeah, that’s what this all boils down to, evil.  There is evil out there. I have seen it in my profession.  I have seen it in the streets.  I am sure you have, too.  What we have to do, as a country, is band TOGETHER, in UNITY, and defeat the evil.  We need to stop allowing ourselves to be so broken up into smaller sections and races and cultures.  America was supposed to be the Melting Pot!  Where HUNDREDS of cultures come together to create one massive culture, American Culture!  I love this country and MOSTLY everything about it.  The list of Pro’s far outweighs the list of Con’s, and I will argue that to the grave.

So in the end, I think the majority of people believe that racism is evil, because it is.  I also believe that some folks don’t “speak out” about it much because they simply do not see it.  It does not affect their everyday life.  It’s not them claiming that it doesn’t exist, and it definitely does not make them a racist because it doesn’t happen to them.  I think one of the biggest things that I have realized growing up is that my life might be drastically different from someone else’s life, so I should never judge them until I get to know them.  Ya know, the whole “walk a mile in their shoes” idea.  Get followed around a department store just for being black for a while.  Get told “you should be smart because you are asian” for a day.  Have someone tell you that you are “judging them by the color of their skin” because you have a different color of skin than they do.  

I think if everyone would open up their eyes and their ears they would realize just how large America really is, and just how different your experiences might be from theirs.  We all bleed the same, but we do not all live the same lives.  

You and I are equals, and I promise, if we ever meet in person, or just chat online, I will treat you the way I would want to be treated.  No matter who you are.  We are ALL a part of the Human Race.

Thank you for reading this, and I apologize for the lengthiness.  I had a lot to get out.

-Logan