Okay everyone, gather around for another story told by yours truly. The last time we had a story, we chatted about a young man who had some… problems with some common utensils and we ended up with what LOOKED like a snake trying to eat a lollipop stick first.
If you are unsure of what I’m talking about, you might wanna read this blog post:
https://ofccampbell182.wixsite.com/thecampbellcommentar/post/where-s-the-spoon
*DISCLAIMER*
This story, although true in fact, will have some things changed, like names and such, for legal reasons.
During my field training, I experienced quite a few things. Several deaths, accidental AND on purpose, thefts of all kinds of items, fights, domestic issues, and animals in the roadway. Aside from the really serious stuff like murders and shootings, we covered quite a few bases.
I cannot tell you how many deer carcasses I removed from the interstate…. So much wasted meat…
Anyway, the one thing that they try and get you tons of experience in while field training is drunk drivers. Finding them, doing field sobriety, testing them, dealing with them, and arresting them. It’s quite an ordeal, and for those that know about drunk drivers, you will understand what I mean when I say that.
For those that DON’T know, drunk drivers are some of the WORST people to deal with because of a few reasons.
Reason 1. They ALWAYS have “oNlY hAd TwO (holds up 3 fingers) bEeRs.” And depending on what kind of drunk they are will determine how the rest of your investigation and arrest will go. Are they a happy drunk? Fun drunk? Or angry drunk?
There are multiple personalities that you might encounter while out pursuing intoxicated drivers, and some of them might be all jam packed into one fun-sized college-aged female who “cAnNoT bElIeVe YoUr DoInG tHiS.” #drunk
Reason 2. These arrests require a RIDICULOUS amount of paperwork. We are talking about a 30 page document with signatures, stamps, the hair follicle of the person's unborn child, their driving history, their tax returns, YOUR tax returns, the weather report from the day they were born, and a wax seal featuring the symbol from The Neverending Story.
For those of you that don’t get that reference…. I’m old. And go watch The Neverending Story part 1 and 2! They are fantastic! #nostalgia
Needless to say, there is a LOT of work that goes into a drunk driving arrest, but the importance of getting intoxicated drivers off of the roadway FAR OUTWEIGHS the time you will spend doing the work. Drunk or intoxicated driving kills tens of thousands of people annually, so don’t take my satire as me saying “Avoid looking for drunks and arresting them.” On the contrary, they are one of the most important arrests to make. Not because you “MADE AN AWESOME COLLAR, BRO!” But simply because you could have saved their life or the life of someone else.
Well, now that the seriousness is done with, let’s get to the REAL reason we are talking about drunk driving today...
I seem to remember the majority of the arrests I’ve made for drunk driving, not because I love taking people to jail, but because they always tend to do something impressionable during the investigation.
They either say something, do something, or straight up act a fool. I mean, it is drunk people we are talking about here…
While you are in field training, you will most likely bounce between shifts in order to get experience with multiple types of calls. Day shift calls and night shift calls can differ. There is one constant though, and that is that no matter what time it is, it’s five o’clock somewhere…
During the second phase in my field training I was working on dayshift with my FTO (Field Training Officer, we will just call him Craig) and I stumbled upon a possible drunk driver.
And by I stumbled upon a possible drunk driver I mean someone called in a possible drunk driver on the interstate and the Sergeant on Dayshift happened to find the drunk and get her stopped, which meant I was doing the arrest and the report once I arrived on scene… 10 minutes later.
So we finally make it to the stop and I made contact with the female driver, we will just call her Karen, and I was immediately met with the odor commonly associated with an alcoholic beverage.
That’s cop language for she was a bit chemically unbalanced…. she was drunk, hammered, rat-arsed, sozzled, well-oiled, lollied. Like a 19 year old sorority chick on a Saturday night. Except Karen was at least 50. And it was a Tuesday morning.
Now, Karen was already outside of the vehicle, courtesy of the Sarge, so I began asking the normal questions you ask a drunk. “Have you had any alcoholic beverages today? How many? When was the last time you drank one?” While I’m asking these questions, I notice the movement of a very large thing in the vehicle. I can’t quite make out what it is because the vehicle was a Mini Cooper, or something like that. Very tiny car. I ask Karen who else is in the car and she says “oH tHaTs JuSt HeNrY, mY dOgGy.”
Henry was not a “dOgGy.” Henry was a Great Piranese. Henry was a behemoth, a monster, and to be quite honest, he probably should have had a saddle. And a stable. And room to gallop and be free with other wild horses. Don’t get me wrong, Henry was sweet, but he was enormous. So after realizing that the movement in the vehicle was a canine, I was able to focus more on the investigation. (Because I know people will ask, Henry got picked up by a friend of Karen, so no worries…)
Back to Karen, who mind you, was dressed EXACTLY like Amy Pohler’s character in Mean Girls. You know, the “cool mom” that has her boobs done and gave the girls drinks and crap?
Yeah, exactly like that. Except her outfit was dark blue.
Full sweat suit and all. Pants pulled up over her belly, just having a comfy day out drinkin’ and drivin’ with Henry. Good times.
So I run her through field sobriety, and wouldn’t ya know it, she fails. So I offer her a chemical test which is the breathalyzer at the jail. Karen kindly accepted our offer and she is carried away to the jail to complete the test.
Well, the test is completed and her BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is WAY over the legal limit and over the jail’s limit to accept her without hospital clearance. Back into the car she goes, and we drive her all the way across town to the hospital to be “medically cleared” by the staff so she can go to jail.
Throughout this process, Karen has been nothing but cooperative and pleasant, from what I can remember. She admitted she was a “wEe BiT dRuNk” and was willing to “dO aLl YoUr CiRcUs TrIcKs” in order to go to jail. I was grateful for her cooperation, and hoped she enjoyed our police services.
Getting medically cleared at the hospital can sometimes be tricky, depending on what nurse and doctor is working. Sometimes the doctor will come in to the triage area and just “check out the suspect” to make sure they aren’t gonna die, sign some paperwork, and send us on our merry way!
We didn’t get lucky that day. We got the “We need blood samples, urine samples, blood pressure, a CT scan, and a pregnancy test before she can be cleared for jail” kind of doctor. Great. Thanks, doc. I planned on spending my afternoon here anyway.
So while we are waiting for Karen to be inspected, injected, neglected, and detected by the hospital staff, she began having a heartfelt conversation (as lots of drunks will) with Craig, my FTO. Now, I had known Craig for years before I was hired as a deputy. We’d been friends for a while, so I was lucky to have him train me. We remain close to this day.
He and I both share a love for classic music, and I ain’t talkin’ Beethoven. I’m talking about the classics like anything from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. We just love good music. The problem that we have is, we both know the lyrics to WAY too many songs. So we were constantly making each other laugh or whatever while on calls or just driving around, simply by quoting music lyrics.
Karen begins to tell Craig about her ex husband or family member or something being an alcoholic, I don’t really remember. It was something to the tune of needing someone to be there for her, blah, blah, blah, “I’m not taking responsibility for my actions, I’m gonna find someway to blame someone else for my idiotic decisions…” I stopped listening for the most part.
I had stepped out behind the curtain and was filling out some paperwork. As I’m filling out the paperwork I hear Karen talking about “In LiFe, SoMeTiMeS yOu JuSt NeEd SoMeBoDy To LeAn On, Ya KnOw?”
Craig is in the room, just sort of nodding his head and listening to Karen’s drunken odyssey about life and death. I see this as an opportunity to take advantage of a situation and insert some joy. And by joy I mean song lyrics.
I got as close as I could to Craig while staying behind the curtain and began singing “Lean On Me” by Bill Withers, ever so softly. Just loud enough that I know Craig could hear me. I know Craig could hear me because he started coughing and covering his mouth, trying to smother his laughter. Well, Karen just kept running her suck about her life and her brothers and God knows what…. so I just kept on singing. And finally I made it to the chorus.
“Lean on me!” I sang, in the middle of a hospital emergency room, just loud enough for Craig to hear, and loud enough for Karen to hear too, because she finally noticed. In the middle of her rant she goes “oH I lOvE tHiS sOnG!” as if it were on the radio. I stopped because I couldn’t keep singing without laughing. She continued humming along with the “radio” as the nurses brought us our paperwork, she was finally ready to go. Thank the good Lord above.
So with our clearance paperwork for the jail in our hands and a drunk Karen stumbling out the door, we made it back to our squad car and began the trek back to the jail. This is where the fun starts.
Karen had decided that she wanted to hear some music before we “HaUlEd HeR oFf To ThE bIg HoUsE…” So, being the caring individual that I am, I decided to humor Karen and I turned on the radio. Now, whether it was fate or just luck, I’m not sure, but “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Elton John came on the radio.
https://youtu.be/DDOL7iY8kfo
As I had mentioned before, Craig and I both have a love for classic music, and Elton John is one of my favorite artists, and this is one of his BEST songs. (Fight me.) We were already sort of giggling because of the incident at the hospital, so needless to say, we were in good moods. We turned the music up a bit for the ride to the jail. And then Karen started to sing…
“gOoDbYe YeLlOw BlIcK lOaD…”
Craig and I could hardly contain our laughter. Karen was getting AFTER it. SInging the best she could, in the backseat of a police car, blitzed beyond her own memory, at 1 o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon… So we sang along, mispronounced words and all, all the way to the county jail.
I like to think that the only memory Karen has from that night is being in the backseat of a car, jamming and singing along to Elton John with her two new friends.
What’s the moral of the story, you ask? Well, there might be two answers to that.
Drunk driving kills and it is SO IMPORTANT that these people are caught before they do something that they will regret.
Elton John lyrics, although legendary and beautiful, can be changed in a moments notice, and you will NEVER hear them the same again. (I still sing Yellow Blick Load…)
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this story.
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Be safe and #washyourhands
-Logan
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